i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
