I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
