So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
