There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
