i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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