i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
