I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
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