i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.