I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.