Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
