I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
