She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
