I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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