I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
