That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
