nutella sex= disaster
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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