Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
