i wish my penis had a tongue
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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