her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
