I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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