i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
