Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
