she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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