My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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