Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
