I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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