1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I would ride that face into the sunset
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
