I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
