So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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