if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
