Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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