god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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