Its about making memories worth repressing
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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