I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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