while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
