rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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