Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The best revenge is premature balding
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
