You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.