she looked like the bat from fern gully.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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