How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
