dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
