Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
