I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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