I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
