Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
