Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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