Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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