when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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