there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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