Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
