dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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