I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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