so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
