Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
