I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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