Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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