i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
