1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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