I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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