Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
