I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
