I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
