my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Randomize
